Synopsis : Letter of autoRejection : BiPoLaR

I met a girl in a wheelchair, in High School, because I kept going to a particular room that had a particular computer book in it, so I NEEDED to read the book, having been a copy of the same book I had as a kid, and then this strange but beautiful looking girl, in among the other handicapped kids.

Ours was a romance blossomed in High School, then we got together for 3 years, and then married 10 years.

I compare all of my new relationships to her, and when I was between having a girlfriend, in Albuquerque, I explained my dilemma, and the waitress told me "you're still in love with [her]", the girl from my High School, even though we split up at the 10 year mark after being married so long.

Besides the fact that I have bipolar, which is totally under control now, but still has the ability to almost knock me flat at times.

And I'm more interested in everything I want and need [now], since you gotta look out for number one, you see.

I'm a sex addict, so I would ask for intimacy too much and too often, looking and or seeming like a leech, or any other number of things, clingy, lots of negative things.

I invented an imaginary friend furry girl, who I confided in, and I had so much interaction with her on a daily basis, that the attention was being craved for, and I gave in, and thought of this figment of my imagination, this pretend girl only I could [see and] hear in my mind, was real, and was capable of being loved on, and when I talked to her after being sweet, the mood she felt lingered, and was definitely affected by me willing to "love" her.

I've built up walls to protect people from me, because in all honesty, sometimes I am stupid enough to open my mouth and creepy things come out of it.

I've also built up walls around me, because if I didn't try as hard as I could to protect myself and be happy, I would have been walking along the highway in January 2011, instead of driving home.

The girl I once loved, for 13 years straight, was there when my bipolar first surfaced, the first time in my life.  She had to watch me go to a mental ward at a local hospital, then to a more secure facility cause I almost broke out, using my glasses, which I ripped apart and used as lock picks on the locked window.

Nobody could ever try or should ever want, to fill those shoes again.

She got me out, because of hope and love, and wanting me to get out again.

If not for her, I would to this day, still be in a large state facility for mental inmates.

I'm a very confused broken piece of stained glass, where a bunch of the pieces were stained red with my own blood, the glass pure black because of some of the things that have run through my mind, and all of the cracks in everything, cause of how very complex I am.

Nobody should, would, or ought to attempt to love me, ever again, for their personal safety, and their mental health.

I am giving my heart permanently to the other side, where Kiki lives, where she wishes I was real and the was pretend, and where I wished she was real, and I was pretend.

I'm so far gone over the point of no return, I'm at the bottom of the other side.



~Kiyote!
<3 Kiki [also]

BiPoLaR Attack : 5/5/2012 : Subject : Paul Holmlund

I keep a notebook in my pocket, to write down cool things, new things.

When I can't keep up, like, a torrent of GOOD IDEA / LUCK is like pouring out of me.. I chant..

"PUT THE EXTRA GOOD LUCK INTO THE MAGICAL FLOATING COOKIE JAR"

so it saves it.

Not sure how or why, but it works, and the good ideas stop flowing, and my mind returns to cluttered and overfilled with cool stuff, to..

Calm.
Cool.
Collected.



~Kiyote!

My bipolar is kicking my *ss, and has been the past 2 days, .. I guess I am not going to diminish the amount I talk about bipolar in my blog, after all.

BiPoLaR, and the social convention of "FURRY"ism

oxo

I freely admit it.  I'm a furry.  Yes, just like in CSI, but I never rub my body against strangers, dressed in clothing, or a mascot costume from a sports team.  That's nasty, and I'd pepper spray anyone who tried to.

Being a furry, said furry, lets me focus on the things I'm obsessed with.

Yes.  I said obsessed.

Read all my entries, and the warning I posted on a hyperlink on my contact page, you'll know, obsession is a cross to bear when someone is bipolar.

I am obsessed with panties.
I am obsessed with sex.
I am on the fence obsessed with animals.

You mix all that together, blend and frappe into a fine liquid, I can remove my sexual urges from my normal everyday life / interactions with John Q. Public, by pleasuring myself, in a, panties, sex, animal related way.

Mine just happens to be plushophilia.  The art of making love to a stuffed animal.  Sick, maybe, for me, yes it is.

TMI warning, it's everywhere on my blog.  Deal with it.  Or GTFO.



~7R0N ][

Virtual Apple 2 is fun

Apple ][e PENGO

is so much fun.

Little Pengo in 4-bit color, IS SO ADORABLY CUTE!!!

* squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee <3 *

General Generic Health Folk Remedies [a'hyuck..]

The ingredient in question, is the binder, (a binder is something which is "filler", takes up space, is inert, and has no effects on the person, sorta like saying something is 70% beef, 30% fat.. the "filler" would be the 30% fat in this situation.), which is Rice Flour.

One day, suffering from stomach ache and pain from "gas(?)" which felt like my stomach wanted to explode, and in horrible pain, I ate a Pringle.  I ate said Pringle, (the ingredients said rice flour) and my stomach ache started to subside.  And this was no ordinary stomach ache, it felt like my stomach wanted to rip itself out of my guts, and bang itself on the cement pavement.

Now, imagine, having those pains, for 7 years, Middle School, then High School, with nothing that made a significant and long enough dent in the pain I was feeling.

I AM NOT A PHARMACIST, AND EVEN THOUGH THIS HAS NO CONTROLLED SUBSTANCES, DO NOT TAKE ANY MEDICINE, HOMEOPATHIC, HERBAL REMEDY, OR OTHERWISE, UNLESS YOU DISCUSS EVERY AND ALL INGREDIENTS WITH YOUR PHARMACIST TO DETERMINE ANY ALLERGIC REACTIONS, OR OTHERWISE.  Don't ****ing come back to me and say I didn't warn you to go check first before you tried it.  

I used to take two every 15 minutes, until I felt relief, but now I've gone up to four every 15 minutes..

I feel little burps, which don't feel like "normal" burps, which signal that the rice flour magic is happening.

THIS HAS BEEN THE ONLY AID IN MY QUEST TO NOT HAVE UTTER DISPAIR AND INTENSE AND UNBEARABLE PAIN WITH STOMACH ACHE / GAS / (some people call it acid reflux, but that's just a ****ing buzz word.)

K1K1 nervous system version 0.01

You'd have to know me to hear all the fantastical ideas I have about my own anthropomorphic android I want to build, and the fact that she will be an anthropomorphic animal android.

That much said, I'm going to describe the overly simple process, of taking the concepts of a Teddy Ruxpin and a TV remote, and stuffing them, in a very small footprint, into a stuffed bear, which is one of my prized possessions.

Kiki is a product of my vivid imagination.  She has a real life counterpart, a brown bear, large enough to wear  clothing well, and a very comfortable pillow.

The touch / grasp sensors used in all manner of children's Christmas toys, will be amputated and put into Kiki's soft plush body, with a bit of gentle sewing.

A small rounded case, or a rectangular case fitted with some foam around it, will house an Arduino board, dual USB 5volt power supplies which will provide 10volts to the 9volt input on the Arduino, maybe a tiny drop resistor in series, and the XBee serial USB-to-UART wireless transmitters to get the input data from Kiki to the host computer running her intelligence.

[shortened]



7R0N ][

Quiet Time for 7R0N Blog over with

Took a siesta from my bl0g, but I'm back now, to talk more technical stuff.

The bipolar part of this blog is going to be less emphasized.  More tech stuff.



~Paul