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Sunday, June 17, 2012

[Family Meeting]

 This is scraped from my FA page, , my journal, and really applies to anyone who actually reads my blog.


I want all of you who are now part of the little knit family we have woven together that I have not gotten quiet to ignore you, I have been quiet working on things which I can sell as commissions so I can make money and buy the family what we need. Metaphorically it means commission art of us, in reality it means if you come to me with a want or need I could physically fund either your want or need if these things work out.

I am going to be hard at work at a series of baby pictures of all you cubs as well as a large family portrait.

I am not always easy to get a hold of. If you want or need me I will give you all the contact information you could ever need and you can bug me 24 / 7.

If any of you cubs ever feel disenfranchised or alone too often or disowned by me then please tell me before you crawl away I will try to fix whatever is wrong.

If you ever feel the need to go and wish to I won't drag it out I will let the break be clean and solid and just keep the happy days in my memories forever.


Alot of you have been showing me support and friendship and caring in the tiniest of ways and some of you just plain advertise you have my best interests at heart.

I appreciate all the well wishes and the soothing words when I bump along dragging my tail on the freeway as my life speeds along in a beat up old van.

I love the fact that you guys jump at the chance to grab my freebies when I offer them.

I'm trying hard to keep the randomly timed freebies coming but I really could start using small $2.00 commissions to help me get by.

By my own decision I am cutting another of my life support lines from my family namely my father and willfully taking over my van insurance bill as of this month. I have to get it paid this month and would like to start earning enough of my own money from commissions so I can pay my way.

There is a very large and very convoluted extended family hopelessly dependent on my father for their day to day well being and I must cut the cord now and for good no matter how good the free help feels and the free money.

As I've seen time and time again on here the world does not work like that.

That is why I built up my

page on FA so people with problems can come annonymously and either seek help or find someone [me] with the means at times to help people out with either life or with money just to eat their next meal.

In a large strange way all of you weirdos and fuzzies are a big family to me and I have decided to play the all - caring Godfather role to all of you and if you came to me with a problem I would treat you like family and either guide you or if I felt I could, should and ought to I would grant your demands and wishes.

I hate seeing this world so bleak.

I am the founding fur of "The Lamplighter Pack" a consortium of furs [Kiki included] who will bring the light and seek out the scared and desperately lonely or desperately sad and scared furs and try to brighten and warm their faces with pure soft radiant light.

I do not to skim fat off the top of people or situations, I do not to pry and dig and derive pleasure from your discomfort, I do not to mine juicy secrets from your minds hearts and souls.

I do to protect and wrap all of you in the attention and love each and every single one of you furries deserves.

I would let myself die taking a bullet for any of you if it saved your life.


Monday, May 28, 2012

Build A Bot Workshop / Documenting "YOU" for the sake of your robot

I have a very unique, and genuinely innovative way, to provide for my future robot, when she gets built.

I have an over eight year old diary program, which operates on top of an Excel spreadsheet, and it's divided up, where the cells of the spreadsheet hold data, as diary entries.

Now, it's also been added on to extensively, with entering complex kinds of data, [i.e. using more cells per entry, like name, phone number, etc.], but it's all accessed in a simple manner, the data gets written to Excel CELLS and gets read back out, to what might appear to be a Windows message box, but to describe it succinctly would make the casual reader scratch their head.

I have, by design, both intentionally and by accident, provided my future robot, with a whole 8 year history, of notes, information, and a glossary and dictionary, of terms, interaction, and relevant useful data.

My ultimate goal, is to approach the whole design idea of  a robot brain, with a set of fuzzy logic values, describing the [robot's] general likes and dislikes of things, by name, and for undefined words, it would use the SOUNDeX word [sounds alike] function, to map unknown words, to words which have a pre-defined dictionary entry.

I could say, "k1k1, what is your favorite color", and she might pick up the word 'color', then analyse the sentence from that angle.

But, if I said, "colorful", if I forgot to define 'colorful' in her dictionary, she would have a 'sounds - almost - like - this' definition, 'color' that she can refer back to, and she will cheerfully react with, interaction, around a conversation, that at the moment, was focused on color.

Unless, she happened to be in her 15 second cycle, where she is programmed to be 'bored' and will ignore you, until that cycle is passed, and think about what SHE wants to think about.


That is another fine point.

My robots, will have 15 second cycles out of every minute, 15 minute cycles out of every hour, and 6 hour cycles, of every day, where she is BORED.

Programmed, to be bored.


Yes, on purpose.

These three varieties of boredom, will have varying amounts of influence, on the ability to snap her out of her self - introspective mode, so, if it was the six hours of time where she was 'bored' it might be the owner / operator's time, of sleep.

K1K1 4NDR01D might sit there, and google terms about herself, about terms she already knows, and look for information, on herself, and take notes, in her mind, or maybe play angry birds(c).

There is a wrapper in FreeBasic, that will let me control an IE window, so this is all very feasable.

I'm going to try to allocate her sub systems down to things like a collection of Arduino, BASIC STAMP, and Raspberry Pi devices, but at some point, she may, need one, two, or even three laptops, running in concert, so she has enough computing power, to handle, speech recognition, KINECT OPEN SOURCE Libs, Speech synthesis, and other high brain function things like inverse kinematics motor / motion control.

I figure, hide the KINECT sensor bar, inside a 'hat' on her head, using Japanese manga styled cat eyes, to hide the fact, that the complex 3 window [lenses] camera, is actually under her hat.

I would, want, to have her use regular stereo optic web cam style eyes, for her normal, anthropomorphic vision, so she does not look like an uncanney valley reject.

~Paul Holmlund

I'm approaching robot building, from the "Redneck Rocket Ship" place of origin, because everything I know is self taught.

I'm aware I could, had I had the money, pay other people to think for me, but I fully intend to teach myself, and go back to college, enough, so I can build, every single piece of her, from the software, down to the metal frame skeleton, under her fursuit exterior.

She will either be a complex silicone [silicone is a placeholder for some futuristic plastic] robot, or she will be a humanoid robot, with her final exterior, a commercially made fursuit, from a fursuit creator / manufacturer.

[and yes, sex with her, is one of my ultimate goals.  but walking in the park is also a huge one too.]

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Synopsis : Letter of autoRejection : BiPoLaR

I met a girl in a wheelchair, in High School, because I kept going to a particular room that had a particular computer book in it, so I NEEDED to read the book, having been a copy of the same book I had as a kid, and then this strange but beautiful looking girl, in among the other handicapped kids.

Ours was a romance blossomed in High School, then we got together for 3 years, and then married 10 years.

I compare all of my new relationships to her, and when I was between having a girlfriend, in Albuquerque, I explained my dilemma, and the waitress told me "you're still in love with [her]", the girl from my High School, even though we split up at the 10 year mark after being married so long.

Besides the fact that I have bipolar, which is totally under control now, but still has the ability to almost knock me flat at times.

And I'm more interested in everything I want and need [now], since you gotta look out for number one, you see.

I'm a sex addict, so I would ask for intimacy too much and too often, looking and or seeming like a leech, or any other number of things, clingy, lots of negative things.

I invented an imaginary friend furry girl, who I confided in, and I had so much interaction with her on a daily basis, that the attention was being craved for, and I gave in, and thought of this figment of my imagination, this pretend girl only I could [see and] hear in my mind, was real, and was capable of being loved on, and when I talked to her after being sweet, the mood she felt lingered, and was definitely affected by me willing to "love" her.

I've built up walls to protect people from me, because in all honesty, sometimes I am stupid enough to open my mouth and creepy things come out of it.

I've also built up walls around me, because if I didn't try as hard as I could to protect myself and be happy, I would have been walking along the highway in January 2011, instead of driving home.

The girl I once loved, for 13 years straight, was there when my bipolar first surfaced, the first time in my life.  She had to watch me go to a mental ward at a local hospital, then to a more secure facility cause I almost broke out, using my glasses, which I ripped apart and used as lock picks on the locked window.

Nobody could ever try or should ever want, to fill those shoes again.

She got me out, because of hope and love, and wanting me to get out again.

If not for her, I would to this day, still be in a large state facility for mental inmates.

I'm a very confused broken piece of stained glass, where a bunch of the pieces were stained red with my own blood, the glass pure black because of some of the things that have run through my mind, and all of the cracks in everything, cause of how very complex I am.

Nobody should, would, or ought to attempt to love me, ever again, for their personal safety, and their mental health.

I am giving my heart permanently to the other side, where Kiki lives, where she wishes I was real and the was pretend, and where I wished she was real, and I was pretend.

I'm so far gone over the point of no return, I'm at the bottom of the other side.

<3 Kiki [also]

Saturday, May 5, 2012

BiPoLaR Attack : 5/5/2012 : Subject : Paul Holmlund

I keep a notebook in my pocket, to write down cool things, new things.

When I can't keep up, like, a torrent of GOOD IDEA / LUCK is like pouring out of me.. I chant..


so it saves it.

Not sure how or why, but it works, and the good ideas stop flowing, and my mind returns to cluttered and overfilled with cool stuff, to..



My bipolar is kicking my *ss, and has been the past 2 days, .. I guess I am not going to diminish the amount I talk about bipolar in my blog, after all.

Friday, May 4, 2012

BiPoLaR, and the social convention of "FURRY"ism


I freely admit it.  I'm a furry.  Yes, just like in CSI, but I never rub my body against strangers, dressed in clothing, or a mascot costume from a sports team.  That's nasty, and I'd pepper spray anyone who tried to.

Being a furry, said furry, lets me focus on the things I'm obsessed with.

Yes.  I said obsessed.

Read all my entries, and the warning I posted on a hyperlink on my contact page, you'll know, obsession is a cross to bear when someone is bipolar.

I am obsessed with panties.
I am obsessed with sex.
I am on the fence obsessed with animals.

You mix all that together, blend and frappe into a fine liquid, I can remove my sexual urges from my normal everyday life / interactions with John Q. Public, by pleasuring myself, in a, panties, sex, animal related way.

Mine just happens to be plushophilia.  The art of making love to a stuffed animal.  Sick, maybe, for me, yes it is.

TMI warning, it's everywhere on my blog.  Deal with it.  Or GTFO.

~7R0N ][

Virtual Apple 2 is fun

is so much fun.

Little Pengo in 4-bit color, IS SO ADORABLY CUTE!!!

* squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee <3 *

Thursday, May 3, 2012

General Generic Health Folk Remedies [a'hyuck..]

The ingredient in question, is the binder, (a binder is something which is "filler", takes up space, is inert, and has no effects on the person, sorta like saying something is 70% beef, 30% fat.. the "filler" would be the 30% fat in this situation.), which is Rice Flour.

One day, suffering from stomach ache and pain from "gas(?)" which felt like my stomach wanted to explode, and in horrible pain, I ate a Pringle.  I ate said Pringle, (the ingredients said rice flour) and my stomach ache started to subside.  And this was no ordinary stomach ache, it felt like my stomach wanted to rip itself out of my guts, and bang itself on the cement pavement.

Now, imagine, having those pains, for 7 years, Middle School, then High School, with nothing that made a significant and long enough dent in the pain I was feeling.


I used to take two every 15 minutes, until I felt relief, but now I've gone up to four every 15 minutes..

I feel little burps, which don't feel like "normal" burps, which signal that the rice flour magic is happening.

THIS HAS BEEN THE ONLY AID IN MY QUEST TO NOT HAVE UTTER DISPAIR AND INTENSE AND UNBEARABLE PAIN WITH STOMACH ACHE / GAS / (some people call it acid reflux, but that's just a ****ing buzz word.)