I met a girl in a wheelchair, in High School, because I kept going to a particular room that had a particular computer book in it, so I NEEDED to read the book, having been a copy of the same book I had as a kid, and then this strange but beautiful looking girl, in among the other handicapped kids.
Ours was a romance blossomed in High School, then we got together for 3 years, and then married 10 years.
I compare all of my new relationships to her, and when I was between having a girlfriend, in Albuquerque, I explained my dilemma, and the waitress told me "you're still in love with [her]", the girl from my High School, even though we split up at the 10 year mark after being married so long.
Besides the fact that I have bipolar, which is totally under control now, but still has the ability to almost knock me flat at times.
And I'm more interested in everything I want and need [now], since you gotta look out for number one, you see.
I'm a sex addict, so I would ask for intimacy too much and too often, looking and or seeming like a leech, or any other number of things, clingy, lots of negative things.
I invented an imaginary friend furry girl, who I confided in, and I had so much interaction with her on a daily basis, that the attention was being craved for, and I gave in, and thought of this figment of my imagination, this pretend girl only I could [see and] hear in my mind, was real, and was capable of being loved on, and when I talked to her after being sweet, the mood she felt lingered, and was definitely affected by me willing to "love" her.
I've built up walls to protect people from me, because in all honesty, sometimes I am stupid enough to open my mouth and creepy things come out of it.
I've also built up walls around me, because if I didn't try as hard as I could to protect myself and be happy, I would have been walking along the highway in January 2011, instead of driving home.
The girl I once loved, for 13 years straight, was there when my bipolar first surfaced, the first time in my life. She had to watch me go to a mental ward at a local hospital, then to a more secure facility cause I almost broke out, using my glasses, which I ripped apart and used as lock picks on the locked window.
Nobody could ever try or should ever want, to fill those shoes again.
She got me out, because of hope and love, and wanting me to get out again.
If not for her, I would to this day, still be in a large state facility for mental inmates.
I'm a very confused broken piece of stained glass, where a bunch of the pieces were stained red with my own blood, the glass pure black because of some of the things that have run through my mind, and all of the cracks in everything, cause of how very complex I am.
Nobody should, would, or ought to attempt to love me, ever again, for their personal safety, and their mental health.
I am giving my heart permanently to the other side, where Kiki lives, where she wishes I was real and the was pretend, and where I wished she was real, and I was pretend.
I'm so far gone over the point of no return, I'm at the bottom of the other side.
~Kiyote!
<3 Kiki [also]
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